As some of you may know, I have had issues with substance abuse. I almost lost everything that was important to me. Luckily with a little intervention from family and some rehab, I got most of my shit together.
But this is not a rant on my rehab. It is more a rant about the residual affects of that intensely horrible time in my life. I have not touched an illegal narcotic, I even threw some meds away when I had some surgery, Through the ordeal of getting clean. I had three sides of thinking to deal with. The 1st was the emotional need to escape with chemicals. The 2nd was the need to get my life clean and drug free. And the 3rd was the desire to have a beer.
Alcohol was not a problem for me. I could stop, most of the time, whenever I wanted. Yet I stayed away for 3 years during my self-cleaning period. I was not sure if I could have a beer, or whatever, and not feel the undeniable urge to do something worse. However, the nagging urge to have a beer kept coming back. Sometimes it was mild and easily put in its place. At other times, the need was more acute, yet still manageable.
Through out, I still was able to control the even stronger need to take drugs to make the pain of breathing go away, Even through the user dreams.
After a while, the urge to have a beer kept trotting along beside me. I began to think maybe I should allow myself a drink. I thought about it as kind of a relief valve. The pressure to do something was getting stronger and stronger. I knew something had to give and if I didn’t find a way to control it something bad would happen. So I went out for a ride and found a place to have a beer. It was only one and I did not have the urge for another. And yet, the pressure to “do Stupid” was relieved.
Whew, that mild stone was passed.
Well, a couple of years have gone by since then, (lots more, if truth be told) and I still have not done any illegal drugs, but I do have a beer every now and then.
What frustrates me is this: beer does nothing for me but make me sleepy.
So this is what its about for me. I work all day and get home tired and frustrated, my beautiful daughter is waiting and we have dinner. Not all the time, but sometimes I’ll have a beer while I’m getting supper ready. By the time we are done with dinner and its time to help her with homework or start doing work on the computer, my brain is mush. The initial, though slight euphoria of that first beer has morphed in to brain mush.
Beer Is not taking over my life, the way other drugs have. I just wish I could just get over the urge to have one after work!