A little self indulgence

Life keeps throwing curves at me and sometimes I feel the need to share things that—maybe I shouldn’t. At night, when I try to sleep, my mind will wonder to places that should be left alone. Most of the time I use the radio to drown out the cacophony  rambling around the echo chamber rolling on my shoulders. Sometimes, I’ll let it wonder and bounce around the walls of my head even though at times, it can get out of control.

When I was younger, there was this beautiful woman who taught me the meaning of love and sex. We wallowed around in the euphoria that our bodies created. Sweat and exhaustion were our expression of love. I still have a friendship with her, even after so many years, I am a better person for it.

Many years later, I met and was enriched by someone with whom I loved and spent my heart. She was to be the only woman with whom I would share my name. Like most things though, our love flared and finally spluttered out. She was a flame that burned deeply and with great intensity. Like many wild fires, this one burned its fuel too soon and left only ash fueled with burning Embers. I understand she has lit a fire for another, it is a long burn for her, I hope.

I became inextricably involved with a person who would shake my world and cause such a profound redirection in my life that I would never look at the world the same. She gave me a daughter.  Our luv (?) lasted for a short time and quickly turned to a relationship of adversity. Her love burned in a Glass that Cracked my heart. After a time, for one reason or another, she gave us peace and left us alone. Yet there must have been and probably still is, a beautiful heart for the right person— I would not have been attracted to her other wise. I have never found another like her and hope I never will, I know for sure I will not look either.

After a while, my life was graced with a farm and a lady. We talked and loved for a bit, yet rebound love is a tool, we both found out, to get over the past. We rode and loved. Unfortunately that horse came up lame for us and I realized our lives could not be what we thought. I rode off on my steel stallion across  the Lonesome Mountain and she stayed with her mares. All things end, but I wish that ride could have lasted longer.

I found my spirit queen, a goddess of song. I wanted a friend and a lover. I thought I had grown out of my phase where the body would come first, then fulfillment of the mind. She saw it differently. We had passion, and she wanted more. I could not blend my life to hers. She was waking from a nightmare world to a world that was not what she expected and I was afraid she would see me when her eyes opened and think her life was an even worse night terror. I miss the world I fantasized with her, yet all fairy tales have a dark side. Our worlds still mingle, but she has her stage and I have mine.

So there it is, my self-indulgence. There are a few reasons for this, particularly now. Mostly though, I just needed to get this thing off my chest. Maybe I was hoping for a catharsis. I do know however, while writing about these important people in my life, of the these very profound people in my life there is only one that I wish would never return. More importantly, maybe I will be able to sleep tonight without the aid of the BBC.



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