I had a really lousy week last week. I made stupid mistakes at work all week-long. I let my bull-headed and stubborn brain rule over common sense. On more than one occasion, during this past week, I allowed my pig-headed resolve overpower my ability to think and reason in a rational way. As a result of this thick-headed behavior I lost money both by using way too much gas trying to make places be where I wanted them and then by wasting so much time just doing the things that needed to get done, in other words, making things right
I was desperate to find some gratification. Some way to get beyond this silly and self-destructive moment in my life. To feel good about myself. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried to use my brain in a productive way, nothing worked right. The whole week went like this. Finally, after dealing with my inability to do anything right, and despising my inept performance, I realized I really wanted to get high. The thought of going out and getting something that could, artificially to be sure, make me feel better, tickled at the periphery my thinking for a while it grew and grew with every silly thing I did wrong until it overpowered almost all of my being. Feeding like a fly an a pile of dog poo, until his friends come along and take over. There was a lot of fertilizer for it to feed on this past week.
I longed for the excitement of going to a place that had real potential of danger. There was the idea of taking a ride to this place. Thinking about making the deal; what would I say, who would I go to? The taste of the stuff and the tingle it makes while in my mouth. The smell of the poison as it burns, the first euphoric wave of pleasure as the chemicals force a false sense of bliss…and finally, the need to do it all over again.
At some point during this ordeal I realized what was going on. I stopped the truck, got out and pulled my shit together. I stepped out of my self-pitying stupor and tried to realize what was going on. I wanted the predictable, though self-destructive, result of something I thought I could control.
As an addict, for I will always be one, I will always deal with these moments. Sometimes though, the desire to do stupid gets so overpowering that I can almost see myself giving in. When that happens I have two powerful weapons that I rely on. These tools are a last-ditch attempt at sanity and have never failed me yet. They are the firebreak outside the city, they are the shield that gets battered yet never gives way.
The first is simple common sense; giving into this narcissistic and destructive desire is just plain stupid. What is more important to me is betraying the trust that was given to me by so many people, is just not something I cannot do. Some very good and innocent people have trusted me to get over my self destructive ways. People who had been abused by me and had no reason to help, except love and faith.
I still have some of the frustrations that I felt over the past week. I will need to work on the “stuck on stupid” cycle I get stuck in, but I also have the knowledge that I CAN beat the self-destructive urge to take the easy way out.
Does anyone out there have a story of despair and how they beat it that you want to share?